The Beauty of Asking For Help

Truth bomb: I’m not equipped for full-time parenting. I’ve been a mother for almost 5 years now, and I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that full-time momming isn’t the best for me or my family. I have felt enormous amounts of guilt and embarrassment for this fact, but it’s the truth, and I’m owning my truth.

Before having kids, I would have looked at someone like me and thought “Why does she even have kids when she doesn’t want to be with them all of the time?” After having our first, it was totally unexpected. I felt DEEP mama-bear type love for this baby boy. I was obsessed with him, but I was simultaneously losing my sh*t daily being with him nonstop. It’s a really confusing feeling as a new mother. I loved him beyond words, but also desperately needed to be away from him sometimes. I had nothing else in my life but my baby and my husband. Nothing for me. Nothing for my brain. I literally felt like I was losing my intelligence by the minute during those months.

I think I didn’t realize there was any other way for me to be a mother. I knew I wanted to do all of the day-to-day stuff in raising our kids. I wanted to be the one to record all of the firsts and the milestones. Being a stay-at-home mom was the plan; have babies, be a mom, love being a mom, end of story. I didn’t ever anticipate really needing anything else.

We had our kids 17 months apart, so we still had a baby when we were awaiting the arrival of an additional baby. That was also part of the plan. But, it was during that time that I started to see that I really couldn’t manage it alone. I had to ask for help the first time because I was put on bedrest to prevent a 2nd premature birth. So we hired a nanny to be with Ash while I rested. I felt intense mom-guilt laying in my bed listening to her play with my son downstairs without me. But I knew it was what needed to happen, we didn’t have a choice. She was with us for the final 6 weeks of my pregnancy and we decided to kept her on to help us transition from 1 to 2 children.

You guys, she was heaven-sent. Having her around made everything better. And keeping her on after M’s birth was the best decision we could have ever made for our family. Having her around allowed me to get enough sleep to feel like a whole human. Sleep is honestly my greatest human need and I will sacrifice almost anything else for sleep. She was also a source of stability for Ash, while the family dynamic was changing around him. She made us delicious dinners, she ran errands for me when I couldn’t get out of bed from my birth injury (a story for another day). She brought me cups of water to chug while I was nursing. She gave us the amazing gift of being able to smoothly, happily and comfortably transition to a family of 4.

And then there were 4

I felt undeserving and embarrassed about it though. I wasn’t going back to a full-time job or even a part-time job. On the outside, there was no “real” reason I should have had a nanny. To others, I always downplayed her role in our household because when I mentioned her, I would get comments like “Oh wow, well must be nice!” Or “Yeah, well I never had any help. I did it all alone.” My thoughts would then swirl around in that mom-guilt and shame space. “Why do I need help when other mothers don’t?” “Why can’t I be happy and fulfilled doing this all the time?” “Who do I think I am to deserve such a luxury??”

The truth is, I needed help because mothering all the time and all alone makes me a crazy person. Back then, I had nothing for myself. Nothing that filled me up with energy and light. My kids don’t do that for me. For many mothers, their children fill them with all the things they need to be whole. But for me, it just isn’t that way. I’m not completely fulfilled by my kids. The motherhood part of me is just one piece of me. I’ve learned that I’m fulfilled by the work I do for other women, impacting their lives and improving their sense of self with my Beautycounter business. I’m fulfilled by the adult friendships I have and the conversations we get to have when we’re not chasing after our kids. I’m fulfilled by the relationship I have with my husband when we get time to be just us.

My kids fill me with immense joy, but they also use up just about everything I have to give, and the only way I can recharge is by doing something for me. Being productive and creative for something beyond my family or my home. And spending quiet time alone in solitude… That’s how I recharge my batteries. Without those things, everything in me is depleted and my sense of overwhelm takes over. My family will tell you, when I’m overwhelmed, I’m not a good mom or wife.

My job fills me up in so many ways - The work, the impact, the women I get to work alongside…

After M turned 2, we decided we probably didn’t need a nanny anymore. I had started my Beautycounter business and it filled me up in so many ways. I was feeling productive and creative again! I had an incredible network of other women to spend time with and was feeling super solid in my role as a parent. So we gave up our nanny for a few months. Let me tell you, it took no time at all for things to start falling apart. I had no time to do anything for myself anymore. I thought I could balance it, but Ash stopped napping, we moved into a new house, and there was just NO TIME TO BE ALONE. My business suffered, my emotional state suffered, my family suffered.

During our first month here in Vancouver, we didn’t have help. I decided I wanted to give it a go and see if we could manage alone. I loved the idea of saving the money to spend on other things. Once again, I thought “I can balance this! I have a successful business now, the kids are older and more self-sufficient, we’ll get them into a preschool program a few days a week… I can do this!”

Welp, we couldn’t get the kids into any preschool programs, so I’m homeschooling them. Shannon’s schedule has been rigorous, and he’s working a lot. M has become addicted to my touch and won’t leave my side (or my lap anytime I’m seated). Even when Shannon’s home to spend time with them, the kids only want me to do all the things. Every time I set things up to start getting some work done, I’ve got a 3-year-old climbing into my lap taking over the computer. As soon as I get on the phone, someone is screaming for some reason. I’ve had almost no time alone to recharge. No time to work. No space to find my motivation and drive. No space to breath.  So… my business has suffered, my emotional state has suffered, and in turn, my family has suffered.

I need to feel fulfilled and productive and creative and recharged. When I don’t, I’m not the kind of mother or wife that my family deserves.

So, I’m happy to say that we’ve hired a nanny again! She comes 2-3 mornings a week. She’s absolutely wonderful and I’m finally back to my old self again. Even just knowing a break is coming makes everyday easier.

When I know I have help coming, it makes the time I spend with my kids even sweeter

You guys, I can’t do motherhood alone. I couldn’t when my kids were babies and I still can’t. I need more in my life that motherhood. And I’m finally no longer embarrassed to admit it.

Loves, will you share with me? What fills all the parts of you??

The Myth of Balance (part 1)

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a photo on instagram of our kitchen table. The kids were doing some learning activities - practicing letters or numbers or something - and I was finishing up my latest blog post. It was a rare moment of quiet, where everyone was engaged in something worthwhile and we were all working together well. A few hours later, I saw that I was getting comments like “You’re amazing!” and “I have no idea how you do it all!” And I realized that I had done the social media thing that I despise - I had posted the best, most perfect moment where everything looked easy. And I had given the false impression that our life was a beautiful balance of learning and productivity and perfection.

Later on, I posted in my stories, to show the whole scene. The clothes and toys all over the floor, my unwashed face and unbrushed hair, and my napping daughter asleep in front of the TV. I am not “doing it all!” and we aren’t in perfect balance here.

Here’s what a typical “school” day actually looks like here:

5:15am - M wakes up WAY too early in the morning. I attempt to put her back in her bed, but she whines and cries and refuses. She’s really good at the “no bones” game too, so I can’t even pick her up. Since our apartment is tiny, and I don’t want her to wake her brother up, I give in and she’s up for the day. Shannon and I take turns getting up with the kids, so (THANK GOD) some days I get to keep sleeping through this madness.

5:18am - TV is on with some Netflix show playing and I get coffee going. In the mornings, we rest on the couch with TV for WAY longer than I’m even willing to admit…

A more accurate depiction of what happens in the mornings here.

6:30/7am - Ash wakes up, usually in a horrible mood and doesn’t want anyone to look at him. Perfect way to start the day, right?

8am - The sun is finally up and I start to think about the plan for the day. But still don’t actually get off the couch. I have probably at least brushed my teeth by now... So that’s a win. I’ve scrolled Instagram & Facebook, deleted all 35 junk emails that came overnight, and I’m starting in on my Beautycounter To Do list from my phone.

8:30am - I get my booty in gear and get dressed in “regular clothes” - which is really just a better fitting and more expensive version of pajamas (thank you Lululemon!).

9am - “Time to learn kiddos!” So far, we’re about 3 weeks into my attempt at homeschooling. Preschools in Vancouver are impossible to get into apparently. We learned that one of them in our neighborhood has a waitlist of 1-3 years. So, now I’m a homeschooling parent I guess. The biggest reason I’ve taken this on is because Ash needs it. He thrives in a super structured environment and my natural way of being is the exact opposite of structured. When we have no set plan, he can’t anticipate what’s going to happen and his behavior gets cray - ie. bring on the tantrums. So, here we are. Attempting structure and learning.

9:01am - The request to come to the table for “school” is often met with excitement, but occasionally, when both kids got up too early, it doesn’t go well. I’ve tried to plan fun activities for each day focusing on our letter of the week, but it’s hit or miss how they’ll be received.

10am - The kids have plowed through all the activities and I’m scrambling to find something else for them to do. Enter abcmouse.com!! We got a subscription as a gift from Grandma this year and it’s been AMAZING. Both kids get to do activities and games while they learn at their own pace. M is learning to identify letters and numbers, while Ash is moving on to more in depth sounds, sight words, and some math. They are learning to solve problems, think critically, and follow directions. They absolutely love it and I feel so much better with them having screen time when they’re learning so much.

11am - We need lunch, but no one wants to eat, so that’s cool.

11:30am - Everyone is going stir crazy - we’ve had at least 3 whining/screaming tantrums by now and I’m already starting to lose my sh*t. We need to get out of the apartment!

11:45am - We fight about what clothes the kids have to wear. Ash doesn’t want to wear warm pants or layers. M doesn’t want to wear a sweater. It’s 45 degrees out, but feels like 35 with the wet gray sky. We spend 30min whining, crying, refusing, before I can finally convince them (or bribe them…)

12noon - We make it to the park!! Hallelujah! I’m freezing, but the kids are playing and I can pull out my phone and get some work done in between the “Mom come watch this!!” shouts.

2pm - It’s too cold, and we need groceries. So the kids hop into our rickety umbrella stroller and we walk to the store. They probably fall asleep on the way. Which is just perfect because that will make bedtime insane. Ugh.

3pm - The kids slept the entire walk to the store, through the store, and home. I made it home with 800lbs of kid+groceries+wine piled into the stroller and on my back. I count that as a workout, so WINNING!

3:10pm - TV is on again - I need some time to unpack the groceries and take a few minutes to follow up on messages and reach out to clients.  

4:30pm - The sun is setting, the kids are either still watching TV or playing on abcmouse - I feel super guilty about the amount of screen time they’re having. But rather than do anything productive about it, I pour myself a glass of wine and sit down with them. Afterall, it’s evening now and it’s almost dark.

5:30pm - On a good day, I’ve made dinner and we can all eat when Shannon gets home! On a normal day, I’m still making dinner when Shannon gets home. On a crappy day, I’ve ordered delivery at 4pm, the kids have already eaten and there’s some left over for Shannon when he gets home. For the rest of the evening, we rotate between playing games, wrestling and watching TV. And there are usually at least 2-3 sibling fights that need refereeing...

6:45pm - “Team Taylor! Time for baths!” Then there’s at least 15 min of stalling and whining before their naked tushies are in the tub.

7:15pm - Someone’s screaming about jammies, or milk, or a snack, or brushing teeth, or something completely random. The screaming is out of control with these kids… but that’s a post for another day. Thank goodness this is a solid building because I’ve legitimately been concerned that our neighbors will call the police, thinking we’re abusing our children. In fact, the other night, when both of the kids were screaming, I may have told them that the police were going to come thinking we were hurting them… I know, not my best parenting move, but it did scare them into quieting down a little.

8pm - Both kids are in bed. Since they had a nap though, they won’t be actually asleep for another 30min. So M will probably come out of their room claiming she’s “having a bad dream” at least twice….

8:30pm - Shannon and I are already in bed. Goodnight.

2 days a week Shannon doesn’t go into the office until the afternoon, so I get to spend the morning writing or connecting with Beautycounter clients. And that’s how I fit it all in! A little here and there throughout the day, and a couple of mornings a week. It’s ANYTHING but balanced, though.

• We watch WAY too much TV

• The kids eat snack foods more than real meals

• I haven’t had an actual workout in more than a month

• Our apartment is constantly a mess with toys, books and clothes

*Side Note- Do any of your kids insist on changing clothes 37 times a day?! There are literally clothes everywhere.

• I haven’t shaved my legs, or gotten a haircut in way too long

• Our kids throw tantrums like they’re getting paid to do it

The truth is though, I believe that life isn’t meant to be balanced, it’s meant to have seasons. And our priorities change, ebb and flow from season to season. This season of life for us is about growth. Helping the kids grow physically, emotionally, and mentally. Personally, growing as an entrepreneur and creative professional. Shannon, growing as an academic and an entrepreneur as well. All of us growing emotionally as self-aware and confident humans.

Growth is amazing, but it’s often messy and hard and sometimes ugly. And that’s our season right now.

I’m curious, what would call your season of life right now?

Taking Off On Our Vancouver Adventure!

We’re 2 weeks into The Great Taylor Adventure! With my husband’s job as a professor, he gets the opportunity to apply for a sabbatical every 6 years. So this year, we are taking our first one. We’re spending the next 6 months in Vancouver, BC. How did we choose Vancouver?? With our littles being so… little, we wanted something that was not super exotic (ie. English speaking, since they’re still learning how to pronounce some of their letters. AND we need to be able to get baby wipes and the occasional box of mac & cheese without trouble), but still offered us a big change in location and culture. Here’s the crazy thing though... we’re homebodies. We’re not adventurous people, yet here we are!

In our normal Orlando life, we don’t go on adventures. We have all the entertainment around us in Florida - water parks, theme parks, museums, hiking destinations, natural springs, beaches… but we don’t do any of it! That’s actually kind of embarrassing to admit. Since we moved to Florida, we haven’t been to a single natural spring to see manatees. We haven’t been to Universal, or any of the water parks. We never go hiking. We used to have Disney passes, but they expired and we only used them a handful of times when we had them. We are lame.

Our front porch is our favorite place at home.

We stick to our routine, spend a lot of time in our jammies, and we eat most of our meals around our own dinner table. My favorite time of year is the holiday season because we can snuggle in with candlelight, soup on the stove, and family games. Serious homebodies here, especially when it’s chilly outside. Shannon and I moved to Florida from Chicago more than 6 years ago and we became totally accustomed to warm weather and sunshine almost immediately.

A few weeks ago, we went to Illinois to visit family for the holidays and it was COLD. The kids have to wear winter coats exactly 1 time each year - when we visit our family for the holidays. And everytime, they completely lose their minds. This year, once again, they both freaked out about having to put them on and we had to fight about it. All I could think about was “God, I don’t want to fight every single time we leave home when we’re in Vancouver.” I had no idea what to expect, but it did not look good for our “adventuring” plans.

And what about the lack of sunlight?? Before living in Florida, I lived my entire life in the North. I’ve experienced 30 long and cold winters in the Midwest and the East Coast - from Peoria, IL to Columbia, MO to Providence, RI to New York City, and then back to Chicago. I’m no newbie to cold and gray weather, but man have I gotten used to that Florida sunshine! During winters in the North, it was the gray that really brought me down. Day after day without sunshine… it was oppressive. Will I struggle here without the sun?

The Florida sunshine is hard to beat!

I had so many questions and unknowns and worries while preparing for this journey. I just kept thinking, “What if we don’t do enough? What if we get there and we stay inside because it’s cold and rainy and the kids hate it? What if I hate it??”  

Not to mention, “What if we never sleep again??” In our apartment here, there are 2 bedrooms with exactly 2 beds… total. Vancouver is crazy expensive. It’s sort of in between Chicago and New York City in terms of living expenses. A 2-bedroom apartment is what we can comfortably rent, so A & M have to share a room and sleep together in the same bed. They’ve always had separate rooms. HOW in the world would they learn to sleep together?? Sleep is always a major source of anxiety for me, so this was a massive worry.

So what the h*ll are we doing in Vancouver, the land of tiny apartments, expensive living, outdoor adventure, cold weather and gray skies?! It would have been so much easier and more comfortable to stay in Orlando, skip the sabbatical opportunity, and continue living our regular routine life. We would have saved ourselves so much stress and anxiety and SO much money. But, choosing the easy way would mean we’d miss out on so much growth and greatness. I know we would regret it.

So, we’re pushing ourselves. We’re putting on new hats (literally and figuratively) and becoming adventurers no matter how uncomfortable it makes us. We’re teaching our kids how to push themselves beyond the routine. We’re showing them what it looks like to have new experiences, to be brave even when you don’t know what to expect. We’re helping them learn and practice resilience. We’re exposing them to new people, new cultures, and a new lifestyle. And we’re building memories that will be with us forever.

So far, it’s all been absolutely wonderful! Surprisingly easy, and totally awesome! Our apartment is in such a cool location with lots of things to do within walking distance. Our home is….cozy, but the incredible view of the city and the mountains makes it so worth it. The kids are sleeping just fine together, (Hallelujah!!) I’m honestly blown away by their resilience. It’s like they were born to travel and have new experiences. They adapted so quickly to our new way of life - the coats, the boots, the umbrellas, the long treks in the stroller for errands, and taking the bus is like nothing for them. I guess I totally underestimated how easy this would be for them.

City Kid pros - taking the bus

Our first couple of days here, I struggled to figure out how we were going to get the things we needed without a car. We needed quite a bit to make this place comfortable, it is cozy, but was furnished for people on vacation. We need to feel like we’re home here, so we had to get some pretty big things - drawers to unpack our clothes into, storage for the toys and books we brought, hangers for the closet, a proper trash can, a flipping coffee maker (!!) among other things. I’ve been so used to jumping in my car and running to Target or hopping on Amazon for same-day delivery. But here, we had to get creative. I’m happy to say, that with the help of a rolling shopping trolly, and one sweet friend, we got everything we needed!

Once we got the things we needed, I could start exploring the city and I realized that Vancouver feels a bit familiar. So much of this city reminds me of Chicago and even New york, and all my city-girl experiences are flooding back. Sure, I wasn’t pushing a stroller back then, but somehow I sort of have muscle memory for this way of life. I didn’t realize how much I missed city-living. The sparkling lights at night, the excitement and hustle, and having so much to do right at our fingertips... I have a strong feeling that this is going to be an absolutely wonderful experience for all of us.

So cheers to 2019 and #theGreatTaylorAdventure!!

Want to follow more of our journey?? Find me on Instagram @LauraTaylorLoves for a glimpse into our daily adventures!

New Year, TRUE You!

This time of year, there’s always a huge push in marketing to promote the concept of “New Year, New You!” Because obviously, now that the calendar has turned over, none of us are good enough anymore (eye roll). Companies prey on our insecurities and convince us that what we’ve done and who we were last year is no longer good enough. We’re obsolete now and we need XX product or service to rise to the new expectations of 2019. Well, I’m sorry, but I’m calling bullsh*t. 

Your value does not go to zero on December 31st because you gained a few holiday season pounds. Or because you couldn’t keep up with your Whole 30 goals. Or because your house has been a disorganized mess since November 27th. You don’t need a “new you” this year. The “You” you have is already amazing. 

The holiday season takes a LOT out of us - especially as moms. We work so hard to make the season everything for everyone, and often our own priorities and self-care practices are the first to be sacrificed when things get crazy. I get it! This year, December seriously kicked my ass. With holiday travel, Christmas preparations and packing up for my whole family to spend 6 months in a new country (more on that next time)… it was a lot. On top of that, in December, I worked with my Little Tomato Creative business partner to complete the first phase of a year-long re-branding project with UCF. I held 2 Beautycounter pop-up shops at local businesses. AND I hosted 2 dinner parties at my house. WHAT WAS I THINKING taking on so much in one month!? 

Just like so many of you, I took on way more than I normally would have in any other month and my personal wellness took a back seat. I lost track of my nutrition and fitness goals, the house was a disaster for most of the month, and I was overwhelmed a lot of the time. On December 31st, we got on a plane to fly to all the way across North America with 5 suitcases, 4 carry-ons, 4 backpacks, 2 preschoolers, 2 adults and 1 stroller. And Fiiiiiiive golden ringssss - wait no that’s not right. 

Anyway, December is filled with so many things that pull at us from every angle, and we often land on January 1 feeling like “UGH.” We’re exhausted, burnt out and bummed that the excitement and joy of the season is over. We already miss our families who’ve travelled back home to other places, our kids are already bored with their new toys, and we have to get back into the daily grind without the glow of holiday lights and music. 

There are piles of reasons to feel yucky this time of year. BUT that doesn’t mean you need a “whole new you!” You just need a little time to regroup and reboot your self-confidence so you can remember why you were incredible in 2018 and why you STILL ARE.

January 2018 vs. January 2019 Still the same love and joy and personality.

Here are some things that do NOT determine your value:

• The number of perfectly wrapped presents under your tree 

• How beautifully decorated your home was for the holidays

• The number of Christmassy activities you did with your kids

• Your perfectly (or imperfectly) styled outfits for all the holiday parties 

• The number of holiday cards you got in the mail this year

• How perfect (or imperfect) your diet was this season 

• The way your clothes fit right now.

“OMG, Did you see Nancy’s house this year?? Those lights and decorations were amazing!  We got her Christmas card in November, she’s so on top of it. And I heard that she made cookies for the whole school, and didn’t eat a single one. Look at her perfect body, she’s so impressive!”

Give me a break!! Loves, none of that makes Nancy any more valuable than you. And also, Nancy’s probably lying about those cookies, because how SAD would it be to miss out on all of the beautiful treats of the holiday season?! #notworthmissing 

Loves, your value right this minute is determined by one thing:

HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF

January 2018 vs January 2019. New year, same me (just slightly different hair). Heart still filled with joy and gratitude. Soul still fulfilled by honoring the TRUE me.

Your value is 100% determined by your own feelings about you. So this year, instead of seeking a “whole new you,” how about getting to a place where you’re really impressed with your “whole TRUE you?” The big, bright, and TRUE you is the most powerful and impressive part of you. 

So how can we get back to feeling big and bright instead of “ugh?” By doing things that make us FEEL GOOD. 

When we FEEL amazing, we ARE amazing. Everything is brighter, and our light is contagious. Our value as humans is at its highest because we are operating at our highest level of AWESOME. And at that level, we have more patience, compassion, creativity, productivity…All the things that make our world great. 

Think about a time when you felt absolutely amazing about yourself… Was it your wedding day? Your Prom? The day you got your dream job or promotion? When you finished your first 5k or marathon? The moments after you gave birth? 

Whatever it was, take yourself back there and remember how it felt. You were elated, filled with energy and confidence. You knew you were in the right place at the right time and everything was exactly how it should be. You walked taller, you had a smile on your face, you treated others around you with kindness - your light was shining bright from inside you. 

This is your most valuable you. The you that can change the world. So how in the world do you achieve that feeling when you’ve just finished the most overwhelming month of the year? Here are three ways to give your self-confidence a boost and up your value game without a whole “new year, new you” change-up.

1. Set small goals and achieve them. 

Don’t believe me? This Navy Seal talks more about the importance of making your bed every day.

One of the biggest ways we boost our opinion of ourselves is by accomplishing something. Even the tiniest accomplishment can set you up for a big confidence boost. They say that the most successful people start each day with a simple and small routine or ritual. For me, it starts with making our bed. I wasn’t always a tidy person (and if you ask my husband, I’m still not.. but I’ve come a long way!) Making my bed used to seem like a waste of time. BUT, several months ago, I started making the bed as soon as I got out of it every single morning. And I’ve found that even that tiny little accomplishment gives me a confidence boost that propels me into the morning with positive energy. I think morning routine goals are most effective because they set up your day to start with a win.

The trick here is to set goals that are achievable but still require some effort. This isn’t the place for making promises for big life changes like, “I’m going to run 5 miles every single morning before the kids wake up.” NOPE. Listen, I’m a fan of setting giant life goals, but right now, this is about boosting your confidence, so make these small and doable. Make your bed as soon as you get up, or unload the dishwasher before breakfast, or take a 3 minute cold shower every morning. Whatever will feel like a win to start your day.

2. Look good.

Ok, hear me out because this is one of the easiest, quickest and most effective ways to achieve a boost in self-confidence. I’m not talking about looking like a model. And this isn’t about dieting or achieving perfection, or changing who you are. 

When you feel like you look good, you move to a higher level of energy, don’t you? Think about how amazing you feel when you have a shower, put on some makeup and get ready for a night out? You feel “like a million bucks” right? You’re excited, joyful, bright and energetic. The power of some mascara and a little color on your lips is REAL. Don’t discount it. 

You could be racing through errands in cheap athletic wear, hair in a messy bun and holes in your underwear. But if your face feels beautiful, you feel like you can take on the world! And with that energy, you probably can! So this year, prioritize feeling beautiful for YOU. Take the time to wash your face, invest in your skin, and put on some makeup that makes you feel alive! I have some recommendations for incredible products here.

3. Dive into your head and put it on paper. 

If you’re like me, your mind is a constant swirl of ALL THE THINGS: to do lists, dinner plans, school schedules, appointments, requests from your children who are constantly asking for things… it’s full. And that makes it super easy to lose track of yourself and what makes you so impressive. I’ve found this simple task incredibly helpful when I feel lost and lacking self-confidence. 

Grab a blank notebook or journal and sit down with a pen for 5-10 minutes (or whatever you can give each day). Dig deep into your mind and memories and jot down everything you loved about 2018. Pull out last year’s calendar if it helps. Write down all the tiny things and all the big things. Every single moment that brought you joy. Just spend a few minutes each day unpacking your thoughts and dumping all the positive experiences onto the page. Don’t just sit and think about it, you have to actually write it down. I’m not a master at meditation and sitting alone with just my thoughts almost always ends in a tornado of unproductive energy. UNLESS I’m writing things down. Putting thoughts on paper gives them structure, focus and permanence - exactly what your joyful memories and positive thoughts should have.

This one is most effective when you make it a habit, so try adding it to your list of achievable goals from #1 above.  Set a goal to give yourself this gift for 5-10 minutes DAILY and once you’re done with 2018, move on to this year.  

TIP: I like to keep a journal in the kitchen and jot things down as I think of them, or while I’m waiting for coffee to brew, or water to boil, etc. 

As you add things to this list, you’ll start to remember all the moments you were amazing. All the accomplishments you had. All the wins - big and small. And I’m telling you, it will lift you up in a major way. 

So, as you move back into your normal life after the holiday season crazy, I hope these easy confidence boosters will become a part of your daily routine! I know they’ll help remind you of exactly why YOU ARE ALREADY INCREDIBLE. Keep being authentically YOU and the good will keep flowing to you. Cheers to 2019!

I’m curious, let me know in the comments -  what other new year rituals do you have? Do you find them successful? 

I Saw the Most Powerful Version of Myself When I Finally Heard This ONE Voice.

“Follow your dreams…” We see this everywhere. On at least 17 ‘art’ frames in the decor section of Hobby Lobby, in our Instagram feeds nonstop, and just about everywhere else we turn. What does that even mean? How can we actually do that? And why should we? Most people see that phrase and leap into thoughts like, “Yeah right, I have responsibilities.” “I don’t have dreams.” or “Only selfish people do that.” Is it really selfish to follow your dreams? Is it responsible? Last week, I wrote about one of the most valuable reasons to shush those negative voices and dive into this process of self-exploration.

But, how do we even know what our “dreams” are?

10 years ago, I was in New York City as a 20-something. “living the dream.” I would wake up as late as I possibly could, throw on my office attire, grab a Red Bull at the bodega downstairs and race to the subway to attempt to get to work at a reasonable time. On the train platform, I’d stand sweating next to all the other overworked and exhausted professionals willing the next train to come as quickly as possible. I would turn up the music on my ipod and keep my head down because that’s what everyone else did. We’d all jam ourselves into the next overcrowded train car and ride to our respective stops like awkward preteens at a Valentine’s Day dance - pressed up against each other, but making absolutely no eye contact, if possible.  After my 30+ minute morning commute, I’d spend all of the light (plus some dark) hours in the office behind my computer screen, drawing details of elevator doors, or floor tiles, or something even more monotonous.

It wasn’t glamorous, but it was a life other people dream of. A life my family was proud of and one that earned me a lot of respect among my friends. It was a life that I had designed specifically for those reasons. I had studied interior architecture for 7 years and I was finally becoming a true professional. I was proud to tell people what I was doing and where I was living because it sounded exciting and impressive. But, behind the curtain, my emotional cup was empty. It was exhausting to keep up the appearance of success and joy while feeling so lost.

I wasn’t being true to myself and I wasn’t following my dreams, but at that point I couldn’t have told you anything about what my “dreams” actually were. I had never allowed myself to really listen to what I was being called to do. So, I thought that this life in architecture must be it, but then, I fell apart.

2 years later, I was a 28-year-old, moving back in with my parents with absolutely no direction. New York, and architecture, broke me, so I crash-landed at my parent’s house in Florida (thank GOD they were willing to take me back in) and began the journey to finding myself. It was a “crazy” move that nobody really understood, but it had to happen.

That time, right after NYC was the darkest time in my life. When I finally slowed down enough to really acknowledge how I was feeling inside, everything went black. I was lost and broken, and with no sense of purpose, I was really struggling. I remember spending almost an entire night awake praying for God to let me sleep and then to take me in my sleep, or give me the courage to take care of it myself. Like I said, it was a rough time. But hitting that rock-bottom zone was the catalyst for the kind of self-exploration that led me to where I am now. It gave me a starting point and forced me to really stop and listen to my heart. I HAD to figure out what was next and it HAD to come from inside ME.

So, I still didn’t know what I wanted, or who I was, but I had heard the voice inside that told me I needed to leave NYC. It was the first time I listened AND followed through with that voice. And once I got back on my feet (emotionally), it was the first time I had a glimpse of the most powerful version of me. I saw a little spark ignite when I realized, “hey, maybe I’m made for something more.” That felt powerful. My life in NYC broke me because I wasn’t fulfilling my purpose. I wasn’t acknowledging my true self, and I believe that the “faking it” made all the other life challenges overwhelming.

Do you ever hear the voice in your heart? Maybe it’s a tiny quiet sound that’s nearly impossible to decipher, or even just a feeling (hello women’s intuition). Maybe it’s loud and proud and shouts at you all day long. Either way, that voice is your truth, your authentic self, and it will lead you to your dreams (ie. what you are called to do or be) if you allow it.

that voice = your true self = YOUR DREAMS & YOUR CALLING

If you don’t think you have that voice, listen up - you’re just not hearing it. Everyone in this world is called to be something. YOU (the true, authentic version of you) are vital to humanity, and if you weren’t you wouldn’t be here. You were made to be EXACTLY who you are for a reason. So, let’s explore how to acknowledge that voice and learn who you are called to be.

Have you ever noticed a pattern in your thoughts? For example, while you’re driving the car and you let your mind wander, what do you see or think about deep in there? Do you ever notice repetition in the images that come into your mind? You guys, I believe that is your Creator banging on your door! Those thoughts and images are nudging (or sometimes aggressively pushing) you to your calling!

During my own exploration, I recognized that professionally, I was always searching for one thing: a job that would allow me to help people (mainly women) feel good about themselves, feel beautiful, and feel powerful. I always saw myself working to make a positive impact on women. It has changed shape over the years, but it is always there as a constant theme in the work that I feel called to do.

The moment we allow our minds to become quiet (for me it’s while I’m driving, or chopping vegetables for dinner, or knitting, or running, etc.) that’s when our thoughts can flow freely and lead us to the ideas that create our dreams/our calling. Try paying super close attention for the next few days and take notes on all the things that come into your mind. Images, words, ideas, memories… all of it.

There’s another challenge with this too. You have to reject any negative judgments on the thoughts that pop up. As women, we tend to censor ourselves, even inside our own minds. We have ideas pop into our minds, then immediately shut them down out of fear. “Oh that’s a stupid idea,” or “I could never actually do that, I would fail,” or “People would think I’m crazy,” etc. Sound familiar? It does for me too. In fact, I have those thoughts come into my mind DAILY. But, in order to truly find YOU, you need to send those judgmental thoughts on vacation for a while, ok? Eliminate any negative thoughts about your ideas for now, just to see what happens. If you allow the thoughts to flow, maybe you’ll find some recurring themes or patterns.

The truth is, most people never follow their dreams. And maybe it’s because they never allow themselves to listen deeply enough to that inner voice to figure out who they really are. But you deserve more than that and I know you have it in you.

When I was racing through my life in NYC, I appeared successful, talented and impressive to anyone who looked at me. On the outside, I was killing it! But, inside I felt like a shell of a person. I didn’t know exactly what I needed, but I knew I needed something different. It took a long time and a lot of exploration to finally recognize the patterns & ideas that led me to discovering my true self. And I’ve never felt more powerful than I do now.

The most powerful version of me. 

This is an ongoing process though, I’m still constantly discovering and exploring! I don’t believe that every single person has just ONE calling, or ONE single purpose in life. I believe that our purpose is to become the best, brightest and most powerful version of exactly who we were made to be - THAT is what we are called to do.

You may be thinking,

“Ok, but what if I let down my family?”

“What about all the time I spent doing this other thing?”

“Is this selfish?”

If you missed it, check out last week’s post where I touch on the whole “selfishness” thing. (Spoiler: NOT selfish.)

So, do you have any repetitive ideas that pop into your mind? I would love to hear about them and how you came to recognize the patterns.

P.S. If you saw anything valuable in this, PLEASE share with your friends and family! You’ll be helping me continue to fulfill my own dreams of impacting and empowering more people just like you.

5 things I would NEVER DO as a parent (whoops).

You guys, I used to know a LOT about parenting before I had kids. I knew exactly what I would and wouldn’t be doing with my own when I had them. I watched a lot of TV shows with parents in them. I saw people parenting children in restaurants and in grocery stores, and made mental notes of tons of things I’d never let my kids do. Then, leading up to the birth of my first child, I read piles of blog posts about the correct way to do just about everything. I was TOTALLY prepared. My kids would be the picture of happiness and health and most of all, would ALWAYS be well-behaved. I was so ahead of the game! I was going to NAIL parenthood because:

1. We would NEVER sleep train our babies. We would never be the kind of parents who let their baby cry all alone. That’s borderline abusive. Our babies would sleep happily, and if not, they would learn to sleep when they were ready. They just needed our love, support and patience.

But then… that didn’t work. And we did sleep train. Turns out that a lack of sleep is just as terrible for babies as it is for parents. Our first baby, “A” was a pretty terrible sleeper for 6 months. He started out super great. We were all, “My 3-week-old just slept 6hrs in a row!! He’s a great sleeper!” Psych! I will NEVER let those words past my lips again without knocking on wood (I’m not kidding - my husband rolls his eyes everytime). After the first month, he got worse and worse until he was up every 45-90 minutes all night, every night by 5 months old. Not only that, he also was miserable during the day. He was angry most of the time he was awake, and would only nap for about 45min at a time. He was exhausted, beyond sleep-deprived, and we were all struggling. Something had to change. So we sleep-trained. We let him cry. It was NOT easy. In fact, it was the hardest part of the first year. We put on white-noise in our room and I was armed with sleeping pills, vodka, and a rope for my husband to tie me to the bed. Kidding… but only about the rope. Sleep training SUCKS. There’s no sugar-coating it. Hearing your baby scream for you is the worst feeling in the world. But guys… in the end, everyone in the house was better for it. After the first night, I thought for sure he was going to hate me in the morning, but he didn’t! He was like a new baby. A happy baby. The clouds had finally parted and the sun came into our house again because he was finally well-rested, and the rest of us were too. Hallelujah!

Now THAT is the face of a happy, well-rested baby!

2. Our son would learn to eat real food through baby led weaning because it’s really the only way feeding should be done. I pinned tons of BLW recipes and food photos on pinterest. I knew it would be so easy and it would teach him how to love food in a healthy way.

But then… that didn’t work. A wouldn’t have anything to do with baby led weaning. He wanted to EAT A LOT and NOW. The frustration of trying to figure out how to get that entire roasted carrot into his mouth and down his throat was more than he could handle. “Wait, you want me to gnaw on this vegetable until it’s pureed by my own gums?! Eff that noise! Give me some food I can swallow, WOMAN!” He was a screamer from the very beginning. I was not about to force him to scream even more out of frustration and hanger.

yeah, I get it buddy…

3. Ok, so purees it is. I would make all of his purees, it would be SO easy. If I didn’t, I’d be a REALLY lazy mother.

But then… that didn’t work, and I didn’t make all his purees. For a few weeks I pureed… but everytime I put A down without being directly in his face singing or making silly faces at him, he screamed. And the sound of that food processor?? Scared the sh*t out of him. So I thought, “Ok, I’ll do it during naptime!” Nope, it woke him up, and AGH! There goes naptime! MUTHER EFF, I’m heading to Target, where do they keep those squeezy pouch thingys?

4.  We would keep our kids away from screens until 2. That’s what all the doctors recommended and we knew exactly how to keep babies entertained, why on earth would they need TV?!

But then… I needed TV. After the clouds parted and A finally became a happy baby (see #1 above), we decided that we would go for baby #2. I mean, if we can get through that… we can do anything, right?! 1 month later, M was on the way! And with her came the incredible exhaustion of pregnancy. I was still nursing my son and growing a 2nd human at the same time. Never in my life had I experienced that level of exhaustion. It was worse than the exhaustion of having a newborn.  I remember laying on the floor of the living room desperately wishing A would just sit still and snuggle with me so I could rest for a while. He was constantly active and needed me to be his partner in play. But, it was all I could do to keep my eyes open. Enter Elmo… My sister calls Elmo the gateway show and guys, I really needed that! So we introduced A to Elmo. It wasn’t necessarily as magical as I thought it would be, but it did give me about 6-10min of quiet stillness every so often. Now, here we are, 4 years later and my kids still watch TV everyday. It’s their down time, and my quiet time. Hey, at least I try to keep it somewhat educational...

I’m laying on the floor with him here thinking “GIVE ME ALL THE ELMO!”

5. We would never hide vegetables in our kids’ food. I refused to have picky eaters! And we would never cater to our kids’ dinner preferences.

But then… that didn’t work like I thought it would. We have a stubborn eater now, and I totally hide kale in his pizza sauce. I offer fruits and vegetables at every meal and every snack, and sometimes they choose to eat them. But most often they don’t. A is stubborn about food (and I use the word stubborn rather than picky because it’s mostly about control rather than the actual food). Like most kids, he started out eating everything I put in front of him. He loved broccoli, avocado, all kinds of beans, eggs, you name it. But then he turned 2, and found his voice, and meals became a battle. He stopped eating most things just because he could and would go days without consuming anything but crackers, peanut butter and milk. I tried pushing foods on him, insisting that he try one bite of whatever was on his plate. But the harder I pushed, the more he pushed back, and meal-time fighting is not ok with me. So I stopped pushing and started hiding vegetables in the things I knew he would eat (toddler food-hacks post is coming soon). Hi, I’m that mom.

Eating is such a crazy thing. We have a 4-year-old who won’t consume anything but Pirate’s Booty and milk for 3 days in a row, then he’ll down 3 bowls of spinach salad in one sitting. And we have a 3-year-old whose favorite food is raw salmon sashimi. In fact, we can only take her to sushi on special occasions because she would eat us out of house and home otherwise.

Turns out eating preferences aren’t actually 100% tied to parenting choices. We’ve parented 2 children the same way with the same food options and habits, and they’ve become VERY different eaters because of their personalities.

M, eating her favorite food - sushi

A, eating his favorite food - pizza

6. Our children would always treat adults with respect and kindness. There would be no tantrums or bad behavior towards other people.

Well, I bet you can guess how that one turned out. I had this expectation that our kids would be compliant because we wanted them to be. And I didn’t necessarily know how, but we were going to raise well-behaved children. Welp, it turns out that A is stubborn and feels the need to control everything in his life - enter defiance. He also has gigantic feelings that completely overtake him. All those things combine into a recipe for disaster when it comes to controlling behavior. We are constantly working on this one. Last summer, after a particularly challenging week that included more screaming fits than I can count (one that lasted a full hour), we sought the help of my sister-in-law who is a child psychologist. Hallelujah for that! She suggested using the 1,2,3, Magic method (learn more about it here) to help him learn to manage his ginormous feelings. And it has helped a TON. But we’re still a LONG way from having children who are always respectful and well-behaved.

Just another failed attempt at getting a nice family selfie.

Loves, parenting is one of the most humbling experiences we go through.

We make alllllll the plans and have so many expectations of how it will be, but in reality, there’s no way to know about any of it ahead of time. I read, and watched, and made lists, and pinterest boards, but you guys… almost none of it has gone as planned. That’s the beauty of parenting though, isn’t it? It teaches us so many lessons about humanity!

Despite all the things I wanted to do, but didn’t, our kids have still turned out pretty great so far. They watch too much TV, but they’re still brilliant and creative thinkers. They eat WAY too much Pirate’s Booty, but they still also love my homemade chili. We let them cry alone in their cribs, but they still can’t get enough of us. They throw tantrums - BIG ONES - and sometimes in public, but they also still have genuinely loving and kind hearts.

Honestly, if I really think about it, I think the best thing I’ve done as a parent so far, is just roll with it all. I made lots of plans and tons of them didn’t work. So what?! Find what works today and allow yourself to go with it because it’s the exact right answer for you and your family right at this moment. We find so many reasons to beat ourselves up as parents, but changing course shouldn’t be one of them.

Do me a favor and comment below: what things have you changed course with for your kids??

P.S. Have you seen my Unicorn Magic pdf yet?! It’s the best guide to help you become everything you want to be, no matter what your goals are. Get your Free Download ASAP!

Manifesting for Moms: A Guide to Tapping Into Your Own Unicorn Magic

I don’t believe in crystals, I hate yoga and I have no idea what a chakra is… but I have to tell you that I believe 1 million percent in the power of visualization to manifest just about anything. Stick with me here, because I’ve actually been able to achieve every single goal that I really put my mind to. And I’ve done it all by practicing deliberate and detailed visualization techniques.

Several years ago, I read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, and dove into the concept of manifesting. I journaled everyday, listing all the things I was grateful for and writing down my dreams as if they were already reality. But nothing happened. My goals didn’t hit, my dreams didn’t come into view, and it all fell flat. So I decided it was all BS and gave up on it.

But guess what?! I was just doing it wrong! Fast forward to now, I’ve been practicing my own visualization methods and y’all… it WORKS when you really do it right. My Beautycounter colleagues call it “Laura’s Unicorn Magic,” because it honestly seems like magic! I’ve reached several crazy specific and lofty goals with the power of visualization. Even my husband looked at me like I was crazy when I told him what I had accomplished and how. I’m no expert in the physics of why this works, but I know it does. So, I want to share EXACTLY how I make it work so you can tap into your own “Unicorn Magic” and create your dream life.

You can access this guide in my free download - CREATING UNICORN MAGIC: A step-by-step guide to harnessing the power of visualization amidst the daily chaos.

Mommas, practicing these techniques is is multitasking at its finest, and we are experts at that, aren’t we? I actually feel like this works best when I visualize while I’m doing something else. And that’s perfect because when is there ever a time when we’re not already doing something else?! I’ve laid out some simple steps here, along with tips, printable worksheets and affirmations to give you the best tools to fit this into your life.   

So get going, Loves! Your dreams are ready to jump into the palm of your hand.

P.S. A note for my fellow Christians:

Let’s take a second to get deep with something, because I know you may have some conflicting thoughts here. I grew up in the church and was taught that God is in charge of our lives. (S)HE is the one with the plan. But here I am telling you that you can create your own reality… how does that work within my Christian faith? Here’s the deal: God (or the Universe, or whatever you call your higher power) put us on this earth to become the biggest, brightest and BEST versions of ourselves, because when we are that, we are fulfilling our life’s purpose. We were made to be exactly who we are, and our dreams and ambitions and desires are part of how we were made. God (etc.) gave you those dreams and ambitions, so isn’t it your job to do everything in our power to make those a reality? Yes. So lets do it.

...But What Will People Think of Me?

If you’re a dreamer, entrepreneur, or basically any kind of female human being, I would guess that this question, or a variation of it, has pulsed through your mind for as long as you can remember. It has become such a staple of your daily thoughts that you hardly notice it anymore. It flows in and out of your day, soaking up your energy and leaving uncertainty and confusion in its path.

I know this because I work with a huge group of women, and almost all of them have verbalized this theme throughout their professional journey. Oh and hi, I am one of those women too. But I’m working my booty off to beat the living daylights out of that hideous little voice. And I want you to do it too.

What will people think of me….

...if I buy these oreos for my kids?

...if my son screams his way through my workout today?

...if I gain too much weight this pregnancy?

...if I open up about my struggles?

...if I start my own business?

…if I want more out of my life?

...if I want to make more money?

...if I don’t want to go back to work?

...if I DO want to go back to work?

I could list for hours and hours, but I know you get the picture. Because you have this questioning voice as a part of your daily routine, too. You measure your choices against an imaginary opinion of someone else. It could be your best friend, your partner, your Facebook friends, the checkout gal at Target, your pastor, and probably your family too.

You might not even realize you’re doing it, but something is constantly tugging at you or giving you pause.

So where did this all come from?? Well, I can tell you about my experience and hopefully it will help you explore your own past for some explanation, so you can acknowledge it and set it free.

When I was young, I was bullied. Just like so many others, I was the target of some seriously nasty little girl behavior. It was an incredibly damaging experience, one that shaped who I was for the next 15-20 years. In 4th grade, a girl who was supposed to be my “best friend” started a campaign to turn everyone in our grade against me. She started a club, made posters and even had people sign a contract stating they would never be friends with me. I’m not kidding. There were posters with giant painted letters saying “Welcome to the A.L.L. (Against Laura Lister) Club!” (Lister was my maiden name). It went on for several weeks before my teachers and parents found out. I felt shame and embarrassment. I lost complete trust in my ability to be likable, and it took many years for me to find real confidence in myself again. After this experience, I became consumed with my worries about what others would think of me. Hello social anxiety, welcome to my brain.

Even beyond that, into my teens, reputation was always a big deal. And I know this value was instilled in me to protect me from being the selfish, irresponsible and wild teenager I probably wanted to be (thank you Mom & Dad!). No one benefits from having a crappy reputation for being a hideous human being. But, somewhere along the line, whether from societal pressures, family values, or a sh*tty 4th grade girl, we all became slaves to the invisible opinions of other people. And I use the words “invisible” and “imaginary” here because THAT’S WHAT THEY ARE.

We write stories in our minds of the conversations others are having about our choices… but Loves, those conversations usually AREN’T HAPPENING. Yet, we go on piling them up in our minds until we’re stuck and lost.

Loves, do you realize how destructive this is?? When I think back over my life, it actually hurts to think about who I could have been if I hadn’t been so concerned with what others would think of me. I always assumed it would be negative, and that held me back from so many things. And now, even as an adult with years of perspective, I still hear that question in my mind, “...but what will people think?” Because it’s so dang hardwired in there, I don’t always know how to silence it.  

How many times have you had a dream for your life, but shut it down because you were afraid of what other people would think if you pursued it?

How many times have you silenced your instincts about a relationship, or about your children because you were afraid of what someone else would think?

Can you think of an experience that launched your own campaign against yourself? If you can, share it in the comments and set it free.

Loves, listen to me right now. Your dreams and your instincts are EVERYTHING. So, stop wasting your precious creative energy to write all those opinion stories in your mind. I mean jeeeze, if you’re like me, your mental energy is a scarce resource as it is, you gotta conserve that sh*t!!

Here are some reminders I use for silencing that ugly voice:

1.    My instincts are a nudge from the Universe – following them will help me become the person I was put here to be.

2.    Nobody knows my potential but ME.

3.    My dreams are bigger than anybody else’s thoughts.  

4.    Other people are more concerned with themselves than anything I’m doing.

5.    My life is a miracle and I’m doing the best I can to honor that.

6.    I am in charge of my life, my choices make me who I am. And I am PROUD of who I am.

7.    I am exactly where I’m meant to be right now.

Steal these if you want. Write them down, put them up on your mirror, or in your car. Do whatever it takes to start silencing that voice so you can become your biggest, brightest self. YOU are in charge.

Why I'm Quitting Wine (temporarily)

Yall, I LOVE wine. Like really really love it. To the point where I was basically the live version of the “mom so hard” memes on the daily. Wine was a part of everything I did socially, and a part of every single bedtime routine with my kids. This is where it all started. Our bedtime routine.

WHY is bedtime so hard for me?? Our kids are relatively good sleepers, they ALWAYS eventually go to sleep, but for some reason, my anxiety level skyrockets around 5pm every evening when I think about the looming battle upon us. So I drink wine… Well I did drink wine, until 19 days ago.

Momin’ so hard on Fourtha July

It was a habit, and became a habit that was getting out of control. I would open a bottle of my favorite chilled white every evening at about 5pm (sometimes 4:30 if I’m honest). Then sip my way through the evening. Sip through dinner prep. Sip through dinner failure as my 4 yr old refuses to try it. Sip through the after-dinner playtime, which usually involves wrestling, tag, a tickle fest, or some combination of all three – my kids become wild maniacs after dinner.  Sip through the battle to get the up the stairs and into the bath, and beyond. 

I’m convinced my kids might actually lose their hearing capability at about 6pm because it becomes nearly impossible to get them to follow directions. And that is INFURIATING after a whole day of dealing with uncooperative children. Am I right?! 

And so… the wine. Because with some wine, it all becomes a little less important. I can laugh at their antics with them and relax about keeping a strict timeline. And it all runs a little more smoothly (at least it does in my head).

With wine, these bedtime antics were hilarious

Ok, so what’s the problem with a little wine, right?! Well, a little wine, turned into a little more wine, and then a little more. Until I was easily drinking a whole bottle every night, and feeling physically pretty normal the next day. YIKES. Not only was that probably doing some serious damage on my liver, it was definitely doing major damage to my psyche. 

I felt so much shame for the amount I was drinking. I would wake up every morning thinking, “How did I get to this point?” and “Am I an alcoholic??” and “God, what would my husband think if he really knew just how much I was drinking?” Yep… I was hiding it… from almost everyone. So I would then spend most of the day beating myself up for having this habit. I’d hate myself for it, and vow to stop, or cut back, or take a break. But come 5pm every evening, I’d throw in the towel on all that nonsense and pour the wine. Because… toddlers.

It was a bad cycle. One that was ruining my relationship with MYSELF. I mean how much I could accomplish in the day, if I wasn’t spending half of it dwelling in the downward spiral of self-hate? 

So, 19 days ago, while I was on my afternoon run, I hit my breaking point. I was listening to a Tony Robbins podcast (more on that another time, but add it to your listen list!) and all of the sudden I realized that I hadn’t actually heard anything he’d said for the past 15 min because my mind had been spiraling about my drinking habit. So I stopped, and went back a couple of minutes on the podcast. I heard him ask the question “What do you really WANT?!” 

And then I lost it…. In a hyperventilating, ugly-crying-in-public, feel-like-you-might-vomit kind of way. It was in that moment that I realized, this was NOT the relationship I wanted to have with myself. And something HAD to change, NOW.

So I went straight home, poured out the remaining wine in the fridge and called my husband in tears to get it all out. I had to call him at work, because I knew if I waited until the evening, I’d chicken out, open wine, and continue to keep it all to myself.  Thank God, I mustered up the courage to do it. He’s been incredibly supportive – in fact everyone in my life has been. 

Lawdalmighty though, this has NOT been easy.  I want to quit almost every single evening. But my goal is to break the daily habit and fall in love with myself again. And I’m doing exactly that. 19 days in… 

Loves, tell me. Do you have self-destructive habits? Have you had success in breaking them? What did you do to make the change and how long did it take?