Our Daughters Are Watching Us
/My daughter likes to step on the scale and weigh herself. She stands on it, waits for the numbers to stop blinking then shouts “I’m 19!” or whatever other number she can think of. She’s 3 years old. She does this because she watches me weigh myself from time to time while I’m getting ready in the morning. I don’t stand on the scale every day, but I’ve done it enough to model the behavior to my kids.
You guys, it terrifies me to think of M growing up worrying about her weight or her body. But, am I hiding the scale away and trying to shield her from ever weighing herself or seeing someone weigh themselves? No, because I can’t shield her from that. At every single doctor office visit, they put her on the scale as soon as she walks through the door. There is literally NO avoiding the scales as a child. What I’m doing instead is modeling what I hope to see in her. The behavior I want her to see in me, and the feelings I want her to have about her own body as she grows up. So, every single time she shouts out her “weight” I say “Hooray! We are both SO healthy and SO strong!” You guys, I have no idea if this will work to protect her from self doubt and worry, but I do know that our kids model our behavior. They learn how to feel about themselves by watching the way WE feel about OURSELVES.
Every time she gets on the scale, it’s a reminder to me that I’m responsible for SHOWING her how to be her true self so she can be all that she’s made to be.
I was reading a book to her last night in bed and it’s one of my favorites - The Wonderful Things You Will Be, by Emily Winfield Martin (here on amazon). On one page it reads, “This is the first time there’s ever been you. So I wonder what wonderful things you will do.” The book encourages children to acknowledge their own uniqueness, dream big and imagine all of the great things they can do or be when they grow up. There are tons of children’s books with this theme, aren’t there? Because as parents, we want to give our kids the world, we want them to be as big and bright as they can be! We WANT them to follow their dreams! So where did that fall apart for us? And why do we feel guilty or selfish for wanting the same for ourselves?
You guys, the truth is, the very BEST thing we can do for our kids is to follow our dreams. To honor and value our true selves and be big and bold and bright in our own authenticity. We want the best life for our children, one full of happiness and fulfillment. We want them to love who they are. We want them to have the confidence to reach for the stars. And we need them to honor the person the Universe made them to be. So we have to SHOW them how. Kids don’t do what they’re told (ugh as much as I desperately wish they would). They do what they’re SHOWN.
The other day, we were in the aisles of Target (what’s new?), and while I was looking for something, I heard M start to reprimand her big brother. “You STOP That RIGHT NOW, or you’re going to have a TIME OUT! That’s a 1! That’s a 2!!” She had gotten every detail of my tone and facial expression perfect. It was mortifying, hysterical and actually kind of impressive, all at the same time. It was also a great reminder that - Holy Sh*t they see EVERYTHING. And also, I’m so glad I’ve cleaned up my language over the past couple of years.
Seriously though, they are constantly watching us and absorbing all of it into their growing minds. They copy the great stuff and the not so great stuff too - like my angry discipline face. Even when you think they aren’t paying attention, they notice it all. Your daughter sees the looks you give yourself in the mirror when you’re not thrilled about the way your jeans fit. Or when you tell your husband or your friends that “Oh I could never do that, I’m not young enough (or thin enough, or smart enough, or ambitious enough…)”
She sees you as a goddess. You are her protection, comfort, best friend, most beautiful woman in the world, and the smartest woman she knows. But she absorbs your attitude, energy, your self esteem. It may not come out immediately, but over time, all those self-deprecating words or self-doubting behaviors we show them are adding up. Teaching her that this is how women are supposed to see themselves, even when the rest of the world sees a goddess.
Our daughters are watching and absorbing the way we treat ourselves. Loves, we need to show them what it looks like to be proud of who WE are. What it looks like to truly honor and respect who we are. What it looks like to be fulfilled by what we’re doing and what we’ve done.
I want my daughter to believe she is amazing! I want her to believe that she can do giant great things if she wants to, and that she deserves ALL OF IT. I know you want the same things for your daughters. So, let’s do this together. Let’s be the models and SHOW them what that looks like in us.
P.S. Next time, I’ll be digging deeper into HOW to find what makes you YOU. How to honor your true self, find your calling, and follow your dreams. (Check it out here)
A note for boy moms: In this post, I’m often addressing the moms of daughters because it hits home for me, my passion is women, and our daughters become women! In this society, girls have so many more hurdles to jump over than our boys do, so it feels even more important to me that we model well for them. BUT, the boys need to see ALL of this in their mothers too! Your journey to valuing and loving your own true self, will be an incredible model for your boys. You’ll show them how women should be treated and respected, honored for who they truly are. That’s a serious parenting WIN right there.
