The Beauty of Asking For Help

Truth bomb: I’m not equipped for full-time parenting. I’ve been a mother for almost 5 years now, and I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that full-time momming isn’t the best for me or my family. I have felt enormous amounts of guilt and embarrassment for this fact, but it’s the truth, and I’m owning my truth.

Before having kids, I would have looked at someone like me and thought “Why does she even have kids when she doesn’t want to be with them all of the time?” After having our first, it was totally unexpected. I felt DEEP mama-bear type love for this baby boy. I was obsessed with him, but I was simultaneously losing my sh*t daily being with him nonstop. It’s a really confusing feeling as a new mother. I loved him beyond words, but also desperately needed to be away from him sometimes. I had nothing else in my life but my baby and my husband. Nothing for me. Nothing for my brain. I literally felt like I was losing my intelligence by the minute during those months.

I think I didn’t realize there was any other way for me to be a mother. I knew I wanted to do all of the day-to-day stuff in raising our kids. I wanted to be the one to record all of the firsts and the milestones. Being a stay-at-home mom was the plan; have babies, be a mom, love being a mom, end of story. I didn’t ever anticipate really needing anything else.

We had our kids 17 months apart, so we still had a baby when we were awaiting the arrival of an additional baby. That was also part of the plan. But, it was during that time that I started to see that I really couldn’t manage it alone. I had to ask for help the first time because I was put on bedrest to prevent a 2nd premature birth. So we hired a nanny to be with Ash while I rested. I felt intense mom-guilt laying in my bed listening to her play with my son downstairs without me. But I knew it was what needed to happen, we didn’t have a choice. She was with us for the final 6 weeks of my pregnancy and we decided to kept her on to help us transition from 1 to 2 children.

You guys, she was heaven-sent. Having her around made everything better. And keeping her on after M’s birth was the best decision we could have ever made for our family. Having her around allowed me to get enough sleep to feel like a whole human. Sleep is honestly my greatest human need and I will sacrifice almost anything else for sleep. She was also a source of stability for Ash, while the family dynamic was changing around him. She made us delicious dinners, she ran errands for me when I couldn’t get out of bed from my birth injury (a story for another day). She brought me cups of water to chug while I was nursing. She gave us the amazing gift of being able to smoothly, happily and comfortably transition to a family of 4.

And then there were 4

I felt undeserving and embarrassed about it though. I wasn’t going back to a full-time job or even a part-time job. On the outside, there was no “real” reason I should have had a nanny. To others, I always downplayed her role in our household because when I mentioned her, I would get comments like “Oh wow, well must be nice!” Or “Yeah, well I never had any help. I did it all alone.” My thoughts would then swirl around in that mom-guilt and shame space. “Why do I need help when other mothers don’t?” “Why can’t I be happy and fulfilled doing this all the time?” “Who do I think I am to deserve such a luxury??”

The truth is, I needed help because mothering all the time and all alone makes me a crazy person. Back then, I had nothing for myself. Nothing that filled me up with energy and light. My kids don’t do that for me. For many mothers, their children fill them with all the things they need to be whole. But for me, it just isn’t that way. I’m not completely fulfilled by my kids. The motherhood part of me is just one piece of me. I’ve learned that I’m fulfilled by the work I do for other women, impacting their lives and improving their sense of self with my Beautycounter business. I’m fulfilled by the adult friendships I have and the conversations we get to have when we’re not chasing after our kids. I’m fulfilled by the relationship I have with my husband when we get time to be just us.

My kids fill me with immense joy, but they also use up just about everything I have to give, and the only way I can recharge is by doing something for me. Being productive and creative for something beyond my family or my home. And spending quiet time alone in solitude… That’s how I recharge my batteries. Without those things, everything in me is depleted and my sense of overwhelm takes over. My family will tell you, when I’m overwhelmed, I’m not a good mom or wife.

My job fills me up in so many ways - The work, the impact, the women I get to work alongside…

After M turned 2, we decided we probably didn’t need a nanny anymore. I had started my Beautycounter business and it filled me up in so many ways. I was feeling productive and creative again! I had an incredible network of other women to spend time with and was feeling super solid in my role as a parent. So we gave up our nanny for a few months. Let me tell you, it took no time at all for things to start falling apart. I had no time to do anything for myself anymore. I thought I could balance it, but Ash stopped napping, we moved into a new house, and there was just NO TIME TO BE ALONE. My business suffered, my emotional state suffered, my family suffered.

During our first month here in Vancouver, we didn’t have help. I decided I wanted to give it a go and see if we could manage alone. I loved the idea of saving the money to spend on other things. Once again, I thought “I can balance this! I have a successful business now, the kids are older and more self-sufficient, we’ll get them into a preschool program a few days a week… I can do this!”

Welp, we couldn’t get the kids into any preschool programs, so I’m homeschooling them. Shannon’s schedule has been rigorous, and he’s working a lot. M has become addicted to my touch and won’t leave my side (or my lap anytime I’m seated). Even when Shannon’s home to spend time with them, the kids only want me to do all the things. Every time I set things up to start getting some work done, I’ve got a 3-year-old climbing into my lap taking over the computer. As soon as I get on the phone, someone is screaming for some reason. I’ve had almost no time alone to recharge. No time to work. No space to find my motivation and drive. No space to breath.  So… my business has suffered, my emotional state has suffered, and in turn, my family has suffered.

I need to feel fulfilled and productive and creative and recharged. When I don’t, I’m not the kind of mother or wife that my family deserves.

So, I’m happy to say that we’ve hired a nanny again! She comes 2-3 mornings a week. She’s absolutely wonderful and I’m finally back to my old self again. Even just knowing a break is coming makes everyday easier.

When I know I have help coming, it makes the time I spend with my kids even sweeter

You guys, I can’t do motherhood alone. I couldn’t when my kids were babies and I still can’t. I need more in my life that motherhood. And I’m finally no longer embarrassed to admit it.

Loves, will you share with me? What fills all the parts of you??